Round 1: The Tonight Tribe

[Fat Mike]

Shitty joke is shitty, but I digress.

I'm also copying my Pre-Game confessionals into here to make it look better, solely for my ego.

Pre-Game

I'm intentionally going to sandbag some activity early, just so I don't come off as too active or too threatening early on. It's happened before, and I'm pretty lazy, so it's a good excuse to not be on as much. I also intend on making at most one alliance and letting other people approach me for deals, unless I get roped into something and need to help get numbers. I don't want to be a strategic threat or a mastermind or a leader. I just want to be friendly and try to avoid being targeted. The people who are active but aren't overly exceptional in any way are generally the ones who do the best, because anyone putting too much work into any one area gets recognized as a threat and ultimately gets nuked. I'll enjoy sitting back, putting my feet up, and doing very little...unless I get bored and gore someone. 

I haven't met a lot of people in the cast yet, but I have met a few people. Greg is my early favorite and I guess we have an alliance now or something, I'm not entirely sure. Hopefully I end up on a tribe with him, we have a fun relationship going right now.  

Dave is my second favorite, I liked talking football (soccer) with him, and he's British. I'm a sucker for foreigners, and he was a cool guy. I love being able to compare cultures with someone else and gain insight into how they live their life. I'd like to think I have a good understanding of English culture, but it mostly comes from film and television. When have they ever been wrong? 

After Dave, Lilmo comes third. She's pretty charismatic and we had fun in the main blast chat together, but we didn't talk as much one-on-one. I want to connect with her a bit more, and she's big into theatre and writing, and I know more than I'd like to admit about theatre and I love writing.  

Hopefully I end up with all three of them, because we all have good chemistry with each other and it'd be nice to have some numbers right off of the bat and make me feel safe. I'm not a paranoid player at all, and normally play the role of therapist for my alliance, but who doesn't like feeling safe and secure? I want an early safety blanket who will stay up late and/or drink with me, so I can hopefully find one of them soon enough.

Stephanie and I had a fun conversation and then it took an interesting turn when she asked if I normally get girls with my wit, and the conversation moved into the realm of relationships and attractive/unattractive qualities in others. She also said it's her first ORG, and I never believe someone when they say it's their first ORG, because people who are new generally try and act like they've done this before. Also, flirts are inherently evil and generally chaotic players, and Steph may actually be new if she thinks that could work as a plan. Maybe she was genuine, but it's better to assume that everyone is lying in an ORG than that everyone is telling the truth. I want to take to her more and get a better read on who she is, but I'm a little sketched out as of now.

Erik is a funny guy, and we talked all kinds of random shit in the group chat. However, we didn't connect well one-on-one, so I'm fine if he goes off to the other tribe. I believe my high priest Greg made some strides with him, though. Erik seems like a solid number, but he doesn't seem like someone I'd actually want to work with. Also, I'm the funny guy in the group chat. Don't steal my thunder, Erik. Erik also claims he's new, and I call bullshit.

I had fun talking to Sean, and I feel like we might have something potentially going. He's from Detroit, so we only roasted the fuck out of Detroit in the group chat. Hopefully he isn't sensitive or is at least okay with people shitting on Detroit. If he isn't cool with that, he needs to get some self-awareness stat. Also, his rep choice is fucking stellar. A++.

Dolly and I had a bit of fun, and she's very enthusiastic. It's pretty forced, but I appreciate she's trying to make such an effort this early. Nothing too special here, but she seems nice enough.

Malcolm and I are having the slowest conversation in the world, and it takes him forever to message me back. Pick up the pace please.

The idea of sandbagging my activity has failed so far. Instead, the group chat is named "Borassian Servitors" because Greg, so I've decided to shift my approach and start up Operation Flying Banana. Operation Flying Banana, as stupid as it sounds, was a part of a conversation Greg and I had. Go figure, right? Anyway, this is going to shift my focus from being a MOR presence to OTT comedian that people love to have around, until I land in an alliance. After that, I'll tone it down massively, and hopefully will skate on by for a bit. There still are no tribes, so I don't have much to work with right now, but some of these peons are seemingly up to the task to pair up with The Fat, Hairy Boar. Lilmo, Cruiser the Bruiser, High Priest Greg, and Token are all people I'm potentially interested in working with. Don't split them apart, I want more fun conversations that border racist and/or sexist in the main chat. (We're mostly straight guys, wtf is that this is an ORG)

Round 1

So far my tribe consists of Stephanie, LJ, and Ami. I talked to only one of them before this, and Stephanie isn't even among my top 3 favorites in the cast. I think our remaining potential tribemates are JFP (god no), Dolly, Erik, Lindsey, and Rupert (PLEASE GOD NO). I guess Dolly or Erik would do, but they're okay at best. I don't really like this tribe division at all. Sean, Dave, Lil, and Greg all ended up together on Arsenio (aka the best tribe) and I'm stuck here. Fuck me. I'll have to do some work and get them all to love me, which shouldn't be too hard. I'm called Fat Mike or The Boar, how could you not love someone who goes by Fat Mike? Besides, I've established myself as the king of shitposting in a group chat filled with shitposts. They love me. They worship me. They want my fat, hairy belly. 

In other news, Penner messaged Dave and asked if he wanted to form a secret, cross-tribe alliance...in the first message he sent to the guy. Penner is going to be amazingly bad at the game, and I cannot wait to watch him crash and burn. Now, I also got dragged into this alliance, and we're supposed to rope an additional person in each tribe to join this magical alliance. I'm not gonna stick with them at all, except for Dave, he's cool. We just kinda laughed our asses off at how stupid Penner is, and agreed he's going places in life. Currently, my tribe only has 4 people and he already wants someone else from my tribe to join this alliance. It's absolutely ridiculous, and I'll wait a bit before suggesting anybody, because someone this stupid is bound to get my ass in trouble.

Now, final conversation update with LJ. LJ is a senior, so I decided to instill some wisdom from someone who was a senior merely a school year ago. I told LJ to do stupid shit with his friends, only drink on Fridays and Saturdays, avoid drugs except weed, don't drink and drive, don't mix drinks, and use protection to avoid having a kid before college. He might be gay and then it won't be relevant, but I'd like to imagine him as straight so I can sound like a major douche and lie about the people I've slept with. I dubbed him my padawan and he left to "sleep" to avoid having to talk to me, which I fully understand. 

My advice to LJ in gif form

Anywho, that's all for now. I don't really want to showcase all of my shitposting, so I'll sum it up here: being fat, being a god, Sean lives in Detroit and is black, Danielle is a horse, Penner likes Yu-Gi-Oh, and JFP is a massive cunt.

[Fat Mike]

FUCK WE GOT FAIRPLAY

[Fat Mike]

LOL PENNER WANTS TO TAKE MALCOLM OUT SO DAVE AND I ARE CONVINCING HIM TO THROW THE FIRST CHALLENGE I HOPE THIS HAPPENS SO FUCKING BADLY.


Fairplay also gave me the shittiest alliance pitch in the world. It was, and I shit you not: 

WHERE DID YOU FIND THESE PEOPLE MY GOD I LOVE IT

[Fat Mike]

Penner is my spirit animal.

[Fat Mike]

So...I have alliances with Dave, Dave/Penner, Greg, and JFP. I've made none of them. Now, I've also cussed multiple people out, made racist jokes, and have been a massive perv. Now, the icing on the cake is most of these alliances have come after I became a misogynistic asshole. I love this game.

[Fat Mike]

Also Fairplay thought he was hot shit and edgy until I just talked to him about stabbing people with my "boar tusks" and how cocaine doesn't influence me anymore. He's weak. Too weak.

[PW Colleen]

You are so pleasant <3


Good thing I'm not epileptic. That gif is cray, Boar.

[Fat Mike]

Sept 2, 2015 7:03:43 GMT PW Colleen said:

You are so pleasant <3


Good thing I'm not epileptic. That gif is cray, Boar.

Thx 4 compliment ily.

I didn't think about the poor epileptic souls in the world. Sry epileptics.

[Fat Mike]

God, why am I so charismatic? Eliza told Greg I was her favorite person in the cast, yet I bully her in the group chat and we talked about collecting testicles. Beyond that, our only other conversation was about how I eat people. That's it. Now, her telling Greg that and Greg telling me that "everyone loves you" is worrisome. I'm not seen as someone who's here solely to fuck around. If everyone goes around saying "Hey, that Mike guy is cool", then people start seeing me as a social threat. I don't want to be a threat. I just want to be social. I've tried to minimize the hours I'm online, and was off AIM for awhile and even made up some excuse to sign off, but I need to be on for the challenge again anyways. 

Moving on, Greg's convo then led into him suggesting an alliance between he, Lil, Dave, Sean, and I. I love the sound of that, given Dave is essentially my #1 and Sean/Greg are both people I've had a lot of fun with recently. My concern there is that it could potentially look bad in the eyes of, say, Dave, who I already have a deal with. If I don't tell Dave that Greg's going to do it, it'll look a little shady because Greg will have reached out to me. However, telling Dave about a possible alliance that may not even exist before the first challenge even starts seems like a lot. I think I'm going to hold off for now and let Greg figure this shit out, and hopefully he's smooth enough to not make it look ridiculously obvious that I'm close with him.

Finally, both JFP and Stephanie were asking about random Leno tribe shit. I both gave them the same answer, and it was along the lines of "We'll figure out the vote if we lose". The vote will be Ami. Now, if we win, we don't have to worry about it and I'll be able to avoid realpolitik for now. Fairplay sounded like he was in the same boat, and being able to agree is good. Steph didn't really give off a yay or nay vibe, so here's hoping she doesn't interpret that as me going against her or some shit. New players are generally awful and antsy, and if she actually is new, then I hope she wasn't as awful as I was when I started playing. Also, JFP went from being an annoying comedian tryhard to a tolerable comedian tryhard. He doesn't have the same ability to banter as the other "funny people" (Lil, Sean, Dave, Erik, Eliza, Greg, and I) and generally just takes every joke to a dark place. Not a funny dark place, like Wilfred or Bojack Horseman. Just a dark one. 

Anyways, that's all for now folks. Mike Borassi, The Fat Boar, Master of Mangoes, and all-around awful person, signing out. And remember:

[Fat Mike]

It's always a little alarming when nobody else from your tribe is online an hour before an immunity challenge.

[Fat Mike]

The Legend of Penner continues. After sending screenshots and being told that these screenshots aren't allowed, he promptly kicked Ken out of the chat so...Ken couldn't see the screenshots. Like, Ken already saw the screenshots. He knows that you sent them, and updated the rule list. You're in the clear. It's fine this time. Penner then added that he, and I shit you not, didn't want Ken to use any info from our chat to fuck us over in a swap...what. What. Is Penner implying that Ken would intentionally use information from an alliance chat to specifically screw us all in the event that we swap? It's really, really rare to find host riggage in an ORG, especially in the ORG's debut season for a three-person, cross-tribe alliance that won't really get fucked anyway because it's not like we're all numbers on one tribe. I really can't tell if Penner is genuinely this stupid or he's a character trying to be stupid. Dave and I then started IMing each other privately, in all-caps, both of us wondering if Penner is really this thick. 

Accurate representation of me during this whole thing.

Moving on from Penner and onto Leno, this challenge has been nightmarish so far. I hop in the tribe chat trying to brainstorm for the challenge, and I don't get any responses for at least 5 minutes. After that, it's really just an incoherent mess as we tried to discuss our plan of attack. After all of that, I tried to get the tribe to figure out an order, and then we learned LJ wouldn't really be able to post most of the day. Lindsey was also nowhere to be found, and LJ wanted to take the sit-out spot. While I'm all for keeping the weak link out of a challenge, Lindsey's activity has been really shitty so far, so we'd be relying on an unknown factor that could be better rather than the known factor that is inherently weaker this round. I got tired of trying to organize it all, and JFP took up the reigns and set up a schedule for when we're all posting. There's a ton of time in between each post, so I have little to no faith that we're actually going to win the challenge, which is a perfect segway into my third paragraph in this update.

I don't know what happens if we lose. I'd wager that Leno is the least active tribe, with Ami, LJ, and Lindsey all only being on AIM twice since the game started. Twice. At least LJ put forth an interesting conversation and I have some idea of who he is. Ami stopped responding after 2 whole messages and I've tried talking to her since, but with no results. Lindsey is...interesting? I think she could be Jakbot, given the way that she types. For the uninformed, Jakbot is a notorious ORG troll who generally just causes problems. He "can't make AIMs", often goes inactive, and has his Proboards account "accidentally" deleted, just to name a few. I could just be jumping the gun, which would be nice, but my conversation with Lindsey was about how she was writing a book. Her book is about a group of people on a reality show that go to compete in the wilderness, but discover monsters. Well, this seemingly draws influence from Survivor with an element of Lost thrown in, but I think I remember a show just like that...Oh yes, I do. Siberia, an NBC one-hour mockumentary drama about a group of people who are on a reality show that go to compete in the wilderness and then encounter monsters. Maybe it's a coincidence. Good luck dodging copyright, because you'll need it. 

If we do lose, I want to hammer the vote out with Stephanie and JFP, because they're the other two active people on the tribe. Hopefully we all agree on some target, tell the other people on the tribe how we feel, take over, and rule with an iron fist. Safety in numbers is key, and on tribes of six, people love to rush and get their four-person majorities up and running. I don't like making alliances, and I'm already a large presence in the game, so I have to rely on someone else including me. If there already is an alliance up and running that doesn't include me, I could be in trouble. I'm not honestly overthinking it all that much, this is mostly for the sake my confessional. I'm just sitting back, waiting, and hoping that our band of misfits deliver an upset over the substantially more active tribes.

[Fat Mike]

I have so many good gifs for this confessional but mobile. RIP.

I'm guessing Dolly is new, given how awful she is at gathering information. I'll paraphrase the conversation.

Me: "Hey Dolly!"
Dolly: "Hi Mike! How is the challenge going?"
Me: "Pretty good I think. I won't really know until results thoigh."
Dolly: "Lol our tribe has got in the bag, because Leno sucks."
Me: "Dolly, you realize I'm on Leno, right?"
Dolly: "You're on Leno?"
Me: "...yes"
Dolly: "Well who is on your tribe?"
Me: "Ami, LJ, Steph, JFP, and Linds"
Dolly: "How active are they?"
Me: "Pretty active I think"
Dolly: "How often do you post? We post every 5 hours."

Hold the fucking phone, let's break this down. So, Dolly starts by asking about the challenge. Fair enough. Her next move is to insult my tribe. Uh huh...interesting. Insult the tribe of the person you're talking to. After I point that out, her reaction is to...quiz me? Are you seriously quizzing me on my tribemates? It felt like some hardcore fangirl grilling me to ensure I'm a "true fan". After that, she asks about activity. Okay, that one isn't bad. And then, the kicker: how often we post. Did you seriously ask the exact times we post with during our fucking challenge? Like, why would I tell you that? We're enemies right now, fighting for safety. I'm not telling you shit. Couple that in with a super obvious lie (as if you post every 5 hours, come on), and she's either ridiculously unaware, thinks I'm stupid, or both. The icing on the cake of her stupid lie is Penner and I talked minutes later and he said that they were posting every 2 hours or so. Woooooooooow. I can't. I can't handle this. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

[Fat Mike]

Naming Sean's toes #JustBorassiThings

[Fat Mike]

Greg decided to make the alliance official between he, Sean, Dave, Lil, and I...while Dave was offline...and without telling Sean. Oh, and he wants to add JFP and they want me to do it. Fuck. Me. Sean messaged me like "Wtf is happening" and we both agreed that the main alliance really needed to slow down and chill. Oh, and Sean and I are now a rap duo/alliance, called The Black and the Boar. Our first album, Mugged By An 8 Year-Old, is dropping in 7 minutes.

[Fat Mike]

Muck Trimmings jesus christ Penner I love it